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| [Havoc comes to life inside of the Pit to an ovation from the fans. "All Nightmare Long" by Metallica hits and a small pyro show goes off at the top of the ramp beneath the Jumbo-tron. The number of fans has increased from last week.] Cliff Anderson:: Welcome to Havoc! We're coming to you LIVE from MacArthur Court, home of the Oregon Ducks basketball team! Jack Deruke:: Ain't nobody care 'bout them Ducks! They cares 'bout wrestlin'! Cliff Anderson:: Then they've come to the right place! Tonight, the tournament for the Lightning Division Championship kicks off! And newcomer Anthony Schiappa gets a crack at Dr. Payne and his Comcast Television Championship tonight in the main event! |
| [The Jumbo-tron flickers to life abruptly and the miniature Preposterone Champion, Russell Ziset is shown marching down a hallway in the back somewhere. His belt is draped over his shoulder and his eyes are focused straight ahead...well, one is aimed at the tip of his nose. He comes to Dan Jacobs' office and barges in!] Rusty:: We need to talk...! [Rusty stops in front of Dan's desk, but Dan Jacobs is nowhere to be seen. Instead, an old man with thinning gray hair sits behind the desk with his hands folded pleasantly in front of him.] Rusty:: Who the hell are you? [The old man leans forward graciously and smiles. He's missing several teeth, and the those that remain are crooked as sin.] Old Rick:: Hi, there. I'm Old Rick. Pleased to meet you. [The man speaks with a old man's warble. Rusty is becoming very impatient.] Rusty:: What are you doing here? Where's Dan Jacobs?! I have some business to take care of! Old Rick:: I'm Dan's assistant...Old Rick. He's gonna be a bit late. He had to wait for his baked potatoes to get out of the oven. Rusty:: Well, maybe you can help me, then. Last week, somebody helped me retain the Preposterone Championship! Rusty doesn't need help from anybody! [Without warning, Rusty exposes his upper buttock and gives himself a "B-12" injection. Discarding the empty syringe, Rusty continues.] Rusty:: I want to know who it was, and I want to know NOW! And you're going to help me! [Rusty slams his meaty fists down on the desk for emphasis before storming back out of the room.] Old Rick:: But...but...I'm Old Rick. [Havoc goes to commercial break.] |
| [An image of a ridiculously muscled man flashes onto the screen wearing a pair of body building shorts. A man with a deep, raspy voice begins speaking.] Voiceover:: HEY! Do you wanna feel SO ENERGETIC?! [A can of Powerthirst™ takes over the screen.] Voiceover:: Drink Powerthirst™ and you'll run as fast as KENYONS! People will watch you running and think you're a KENYON! You'll race as fast at KENYONS against actual KENYONS and it'll be a tie and you'll get deported back to KENYAAAAAAA! [Images of Kenyons winning various races flash across the screen.] Voiceover:: Hey! Go with the sure thing. Don't gamble on your energy. SNAKE EYES!!! [The picture of the body builder with gratuitous amounts of energy is shown.] Voiceover:: Try Powerthirst™! The energy drink that will make you AGGGHHHH! SPORTS! AGGGHHHH!!! |
| ["Wanton" Carey Waters is already in the ring awaiting his opponent. Willis "Storm" Clayton, one half of Thunder & Lightning, is out next and he receives a warm ovation from the crowd. The match begins and Carey Waters is the aggressor. After a failed attempt at offense, Clayton takes control and Waters never recovers. Clayton hits the Swandive Headbutt to pick up the pinfall victory!] Cliff Anderson:: Willis Clayton makes short work of Carey Waters. I must say, I'm very impressed with Willis Clayton's performance as of late. He's got to be considered a favorite to win the Lightning Division Championship tournament. |
| [The scene switches to the backstage area where we find Larry Thompson and Olaf. The boos are immediate. Rosco Pico Train is facing the wall doing jumping jacks as Thompson monitors his progress.] Larry Thompson:: Maybe next time you'll think about what you're doing before you eat all of those oatmeal cookies. You don't have the metabolism that Olaf has. Olaf turns cookies to muscle. You turn cookies into spare tire. Now double time it, fat boy! [Rosco, who is already sweating profusely, quickens his pace. Just then there is a knock at the door. A manilla envelope slides under the door. Thompson and Olaf gaze down at the bulging envelope with interest. Thompson nods towards the door and Olaf marches over. Olaf swings the door open to find Cody Duckett wheeling away as fast as possible. Thompson sees this and begins laughing.] Larry Thompson:: Rosco...stop what you're doing. I want you to chase down Cody Duckett and tip his wheelchair over...with him in it. Rosco Pico Train:: Yes, sir. [A panting Rosco darts out of the room. Thompson picks up the envelope and tears it open. One dollar bills flutter to the ground as Thompson digs out the hand-written note. Again, it has been scribed with a crayon. He shows the note to Olaf while a smile breaks onto his face.] Larry Thompson:: I don't know who keeps sending these, but as long as they keep sending money we'll keep giving beatings. [A scream of terror comes from somewhere down the hallway, followed by a loud crashing noise. Thompson goes to give Olaf a high five...] Rosco Pico Train:: Agghhh! Damn you, Cody Duckett! [Larry slowly retracts the high five and buries his face in his hands. He lets out a low whine as the shot returns to the ringside area.] |
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| [Rusty makes his way down the ramp to meet his opponent, Dick Weed, who is already waiting in the ring. Rusty climbs into the ring and hands his Powerthirst™ Preposterone Championship to the referee. The match begins with Rusty taking that Dick to the mat and having his way with him. Mr. Ziset puts on a technical wrestling clinic at Dick Weed's expense before catching him in the Sustainer. It's only a matter of seconds before Weed is choked unconscious. Rusty wins via submission.] Cliff Anderson:: An impressive win by Rusty Ziset. Grendel gave him quite the scare during their match Thursday evening, but he appeared to be in top form here tonight. |
| [The Jumbo-tron comes to life and one of the doors leading into the arena is shown. Seconds later, a lean, muscular man with long, stringy, black hair walks in with a travel bag over his shoulder. Each step causes the man to wince with pain.] Cliff Anderson:: That's Billy Sadistic! Billy Sadistic is back! [The fans let out a wave of cheers. It's obvious that the Phenom still hasn't recovered fully from being busted up a few weeks ago by No Gimmicks Needed. He has a look of determination on his face as he walks out of view.] Cliff Anderson:: Things are starting to heat up around here. Fans, don't go away. We'll be right back! |
| [Havoc takes a commercial break and Rusty appears on the screen. He's dressed in a dark blue sweatshirt and golden athletic shorts.] Voiceover:: Some men are so big that they're forced to shop at the Big & Tall. But what about those men that are so small they can't even fit into children's clothing? [Rusty looks around, obviously irritated by the quip about his size. On closer inspection, the sweatshirt DOES seem to be hanging off of him a little bit.] Voiceover:: Do you weigh less than one hundred pounds?! Are you under five feet tall?! Then you need to shop at Small & Puny! [Thanks to the wonders of special effects, Rusty is slowly morphed into a black, nice-fitting suit. His face, complete with crooked nose and eye, spreads into a warm smile. He injects himself in the buttock with a shot of "B-12"...right through his dress pants.] Voiceover:: Small & Puny! Located next to Huge & Enormous on Main St. in Junction City! [Rusty slowly fades to black.] |
| [Havoc returns to find Dan Jacobs sitting behind the desk in his office. Old Rick is sitting in a chair off to the side of the room. Thunder & Lightning are standing at attention in front of Jacobs' desk. Reginald Charles Killian is also standing in the room.] Dan Jacobs:: I'm sorry I'm late. I just love baked potatoes so damn much... [R.C.K. clears his throat.] Reginald Charles Killian:: Might I ask why you've assembled us here? Dan Jacobs:: Ah, yes. I've called you here because I'm in need of your...services. There are a few poor souls in this federation that have made themselves enemies of Dan Jacobs. And for that, they must pay. [Dan stands up and appraises the three men before him.] Dan Jacobs:: This is where you come in... [The shot switches to the ringside area as Jacobs begins unveiling his plan.] |
| [Rusty is shown in the backstage area walking around wearing only a pair of golden gym shorts. His Preposterone Championship is slung over a shoulder and hangs halfway down his acne-riddled back.] Rusty:: I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. [Rusty opens a door and pokes his head in. Billows of smoke pour out around the frame of the door. Rusty begins coughing and retracts his head. Rusty continues stomping down the hallway. Moments later, the door reopens and Bovice pokes his head out. When he opens his mouth to speak, smoke rolls out.] Bovice:: What that honky think he doin'?! "Ninja" Van:: Let's get 'im! [Van shoulders his way out of the room and he and Bovice give chase down the hall. Rusty hears the footsteps and turns around just in time to be tackled to the ground. Ninjas with Attitude begin working over the tiny champion. Cody Duckett rolls by as the beating continues.] Cody Duckett:: What's going on here? [Bovice pulls Rusty off the ground and hurls him at Duckett. The wheelchair is knocked over and Rusty and Duckett collapse in a heap. Security swarms the area.] Bovice:: Sh*t, Van! It's the Po-Po! Get the sh*t! [Ninjas with Attitude flee the scene of the crime as the security personnel check on Rusty and Cody Duckett.] |
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| Cliff Anderson:: Well...that was interesting, to say the least. I guess that puts an end to Rusty's search for the night... [Reginald Charles Killian is out first, followed by Lance Pennington. The referee calls for the bell. Both men shake hands before the contest, then go at it. Killian uses his European wrestling know-how to ground the high flying Lance Pennington. It's a seesaw match that goes back and forth. "Made for T.V." Lance Pennington slaps on the deadly sleeper in the late stages of the match, but R.C.K. is able to get to the ropes. R.C.K. lands a superkick, then goes up top for the Dust Buster! Killian misses! Pennington goes up top and connects with the Five-Star Frog Splash for the 1...2...3!] Cliff Anderson:: That was a hard-fought battle by both men, but it's Lance Pennington that will advance to the next round of the Lightning Division Championship tournament. [After the match, Pennington offers his hand to R.C.K. Killian reluctantly accepts the handshake before leaving the ring.] |
| [Dr. Payne appears on the Jumbo-tron, and he's got an excited look in his eye. His Comcast Television Championship is wrapped firmly around his CHRIST-LIKE FOREARM!] Dr. Payne:: I can't wait. In only a few short minutes, the whole world will witness the return...of the DOCTOR'S OFFICE!!! [The fans in the arena erupt! The cheers quickly turn to boos as Thompson and Olaf suddenly enter the screen! Thompson attacks from behind and Olaf joins in!] Cliff Anderson:: What in the world?! No Gimmicks Needed are attacking the Television Champion! [Payne tries to fight back, but the assault caught him by surprise and it's only matter of seconds before Payne is on the ground being stomped silly by No Gimmicks Needed. Rosco Pico Train is suddenly in the shot, and he begins stomping away, also!] Rosco Pico Train:: Ha ha ha! [Rosco's sudden intrusion has irritated Thompson, and he lashes out with a knife-edge chop that sends Rosco back out of the frame. When Thompson and Olaf are done, Payne is left groaning on the ground.] Larry Thompson:: Nothing personal. Just business. Olaf:: Cookie? Larry Thompson:: Yeah. Let's go get you some cookies, big guy. C'mon. [Thompson slaps Olaf on the chest and the two exit. Payne is still down and he's hurting.] Cliff Anderson:: Will Dr. Payne be able to defend the Television Championship tonight?! Don't go away! |
| [P.N.W. takes a commercial break and the Comcast logo appears on the screen.] Voiceover:: Tired of basic cable? Does your dish provider leave you without basic programming? Switch to Comcast today! [Logos of all the major cable stations begin flashing across the screen.] Voiceover:: Order digital cable right now and lock it in at $39.99 a month for the first six months! Digital picture and sound, HDTV, DVR, and On Demand! Don't suffer with basic cable a moment long. Call today! [All of the pertinent names and numbers roll across the screen before fading to black.] |
| Cliff Anderson:: Welcome back to Havoc. We've just received word that Dr. Payne is receiving medical attention backstage and the Doctor's Office has been cancelled this week. He's being listed as probable for tonight's event. [The Jumbo-tron flickers to life and Robert Henry Clay is shown in the backstage area. He's wearing his cowboy hat and his bottom lip is bulging with tobacco. As he's walking, Arkham appears from around the corner.] Robert Henry Clay:: Just the man I was looking for... [The two men approach each other and stand inches apart.] Robert Henry Clay:: Seen your brother here awhile ago. That gonna be a problem? Arkham:: No. [Clay studies the Destroyer-at-Noonday for a few seconds.] Robert Henry Clay:: Are you gonna be a problem? Can I count on you? [Now it's Arkham's turn to look Clay up and down.] Arkham:: Can you count, period? [Clay takes a step forward and the two are now standing nose to nose. Just as Clay opens his mouth to speak, "Gimme Back My Bullets" by Lynyrd Skynyrd starts up. Clay looks down, spits a glob of brown spit at Arkham's feet, then leaves. Arkham slowly gazes down at the small puddle. He doesn't seem pleased.] |
| ["Southern Nightmare" Robert Henry Clay is already in the ring and Arkham is out next. The fans aren't sure how they feel about the Crimson Demon. The Kill Devil Hills Daredevil enters the ring and he and Clay are clearly not friends. Olaf and Thompson are out next, followed by Rosco Pico Train. The fans shower them with boos! Thompson absolutely loves it.] Cliff Anderson:: Dan Jacobs has it out for Robert Henry Clay. I don't think he's too fond of Arkham, either. [Clay and Thompson start the match. Thompson gets the better of the Brawler from Beauregard in the early stages using his technical expertise to outwrestle his opponent. The fans are torn between which of these men they hate more. The battle swings in Clay's favor and he tags in Arkham. This gets a rise out of the crowd as Arkham goes to work on Thompson. Arkham is relentless and Thompson quickly tags out to Olaf.] Cliff Anderson:: Arkham and Larry Thompson don't just dislike each other. They hate each other. [Olaf enters the ring and the tide turns in the favor of No Gimmicks Needed. Arkham tags out, but Clay doesn't have any better luck. Olaf drags Clay into his corner for some illegal double teaming. This ignites an all out brawl as all four men enter the ring!] Cliff Anderson:: This is chaos! The referee has lost all control! [Olaf dumps Clay over the top rope as Arkham rocks the Blond Berserker with rights and lefts. Arkham takes a step back, then sprays a cloud of green mist! Thompson telegraphs it and pulls Olaf in the way at the last second! Olaf is temporarily blinded and feels his way over to the ring ropes. Thompson levels Arkham with a clothesline. Clay climbs back up onto the ring apron and Thompson goes for him, too! Once he's in range, Clay spits a big wad of tabacco into his face. Thompson stumbles backwards trying to clear the gross brown goo from his eyes and walks right into the Infernal Device!] Cliff Anderson:: Green spit! Brown spit! This is getting out of hand! [Arkham makes the cover and the referee makes the cover. 1...2...3! All four men are fatigued after the hellacious match and the fans are pleased with the outcome.] |
| [Olaf is back up, and he attacks Arkham from behind! Clay attacks Olaf and pushes the big man back into the corner. After awhile, Thompson is back up and all four men are at it again! Rosco slides into the ring with a chair and goes for Hank. The Southern Nightmare turns just in time and punches the chair right back into Rosco's face! The impact echoes throughout the arena.] Cliff Anderson:: That probably didn't feel too good on Clay's fist, but Rosco is down for the count! [Reginald Charles Killian flies out from the back and dives into the ring. He goes right for Clay and tackles him to the mat. The two roll around on the canvas and the fight eventually spills to the outside of the ring. Clay and Killian begin trading blows on the outside, leaving Arkham alone with No Gimmicks Needed inside the ring. The Kill Devils Daredevil looks to be holding his own.] Cliff Anderson:: Here comes Thunder & Lightning! This can't be good! ["Made for T.V." Lance Pennington and Willis "Storm" Clayton sprint down the ramp and slide into the ring and they go straight for Arkham. The Crimson Demon meets them with a double clothesline and the fans erupt. Rosco slowly regains his wits and joins back in. Arkham tries to fight them off, but the five-on-one assault is too much and they eventually overtake the daredevil.] Jack Deruke:: They's beatin' him like a raw egg. [The assault continues in the middle of the ring as Robert Henry Clay and Reginald Charles Killian brawl to the backstage area. Moments later, "The Phenom" Billy Sadistic runs out from the back with a black baseball bat in hand and the crowd erupts! He slides into the ring and connects with a big swing to Willis Clayton's guts!] Cliff Anderson:: Billy Sadistic is back, and he's out for blood! [Sadistic brings the bat down hard across Pennington's back, then uses it to clothesline Rosco over the top rope! Olaf goes after the Phenom, but he catches him with a homerun swing to the inside of the knee! Olaf goes down! Sadistic and Thompson are the only two men standing as everyone else rolls to the side. Arkham rolls to the outside of the ring and back-pedals up the ramp. Sadistic points the bat at Thompson. Thompson waves him in.] Cliff Anderson:: Sadistic has been on the shelf for the past three weeks! Now he's got Larry Thompson right where he wants him! [Sadistic drops the bat at his feet and the crowd is ready to see a fight. Thompson attacks! Sadistic blocks the first punch and begins unloading on Thompson with big right hands! Each blow knocks Thompson back a step. Sadistic whips Thompson into the ropes, catches him with a boot to the mid-section, and locks him in for the Sadistic DDT...!] Cliff Anderson:: Here it comes...! [Clayton and Pennington are all over Sadistic before he can spike Thompson. Olaf is back up and Sadistic is quickly at their mercy. Arkham continues to watch, but his expression is unreadable. Thompson picks up the bat and begins driving it into the Phenom's injured ribs as Thunder & Lightning and Olaf hold him up. Bruce Vohland and the rest of the security crew run out from the back and swarm the ring before Sadistic is seriously injured!] Cliff Anderson:: Thankfully security has arrived! Larry Thompson was going to take the Phenom out for good right there! [No Gimmicks Needed and Thunder & Lightning exit the ring leaving the Phenom beaten and battered. The fans boos are merciless.] |
| [The shot cuts to the backstage area where a furious Dr. Payne is shown shoving members of the medical staff out of the way.] Dr. Payne:: Get outta my way! Dr. Sterling:: Sir, you're not fit to go out there tonight! Listen to me. I'm a doctor! Dr. Payne:: You're a doctor?! I'M A DOCTOR!!! [In a furious rage, Payne knocks the doctor across the room with one swing from his MASSIVE RIGHT FOREARM! This causes the other members of the medical staff to clear out. The wrestling gynecologist forces his way out of the room and heads for the ring with a slight limp.] |
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| ["Scarface" is out first, and he's not met with a warm reception. Dr. Payne is out next, and he receives a big ovation from the crowd. He's got his belt strapped around his forearm as he limps down to the ring. Payne enters the ring and hands the belt over to referee Mitch Horton.] Cliff Anderson:: This is a great opportunity for newcomer Anthony Schiappa and you can bet he's gonna make the most of it. This match is gonna be a nailbiter. [The bell rings and Schiappa shows no sympathy for the wounded doctor. He goes right after him and unloads with some powerful offense. Payne fights back in short bursts, but he's clearly still hurting from the beating he received earlier in the night.] Timothy Cormier:: Ten minutes remaining! Ten minutes! [Schiappa scores several near-falls but is unable to keep the Good Doctor down. Schiappa slips up midway through the match and Payne takes control. He connects with a series of high-impact moves but is unable to get a even a two-count.] Timothy Cormier:: Five minutes remaining! Five minutes! Cliff Anderson:: The clock is ticking and Payne is firmly in control. [...or is he? Payne goes for a running splash in the corner, but Schiappa moves out of the way. Schiappa is back in control and he goes to work on Payne. He unloads a barrage of punches on Dr. Payne with such fury that one of the blows grazes the referee and he's dropped to a knee. Schiappa hits the Kiss of Death and goes for the cover!] Cliff Anderson:: Payne is down for the count, but the referee is incapacitated! [Frustrated, Schiappa tries to pull the referee up. As he's doing so, a groggy Dr. Payne scores with a low blow that drops the mobster to his knees! The fans erupt! With much effort, Payne lifts Schiappa into the air and plants him with Sweet Payne! He's makes the cover and the dazed referee makes the count. 1.....2.....3!] Cliff Anderson:: Dr. Payne retains the Television Championship using some questionable means, but the fans seem to love him all the same. |
| [The fans are still cheering as an exhausted Dr. Payne calls for the microphone. Schiappa rolls out of the ring still favoring his groin. Payne's music cuts out as the crowd quiets.] Dr. Payne:: Larry Thompson! [The fans erupt as Payne continues to call out the man that attacked him earlier in the night.] Dr. Payne:: Thompson! You tried to take me out tonight...and you FAILED! [Another eruption by the crowd. Larry slowly walks out from the back and stands at the top of the ramp with his arms folded across his chest. The cheers turn to boos.] Dr. Payne:: Ever since Pacific Northwest Wrestling has opened, you've been doing what you please, when you please! But not anymore! Next week, I, the Vaginal Violator...! The Gynecological God! The King of Television! I want you! [At this point the Paynophiles in the crowd are going crazy! Olaf slowly emerges from the back...followed by Rosco Pico Train...followed by Willis Clayton...followed by Lance Pennington...followed by Reginald Charles Killian. With this group of men behind him, Thompson slowly nods his head.] Dr. Payne:: Is that a yes?! [Thompson smiles and nods again.] Dr. Payne:: Yes! Next week it will be Larry Thompson versus Dr. Payne for the COMCAST TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP...inside of a steel cage!!! [The fans erupt again and Larry Thompson doesn't look happy.] Dr. Payne:: Next week, the biggest genital wart in P.N.W. will be removed! See you next week! [Payne drops the mic as Havoc fades to black.] |
